Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Ummm, wow...

I got my first ever, shiny, pretty link in someone else's blog. Holy cow, can we say excited? Yay me! Umm, but wait, I haven't written anything in weeks... and ummm, all my whining over here is kinda, I don't know, whiny. Umm, must post quickly and pore over previous entries to make sure nothing too horrible has been said...

So anywho, how was Christmas and all those over lovely holiday type events for you? Mine was surprisingly, not too bad. A little disappointing, considering my dad decided to take advantage of the 4 day weekend by getting so completely drunk he didn't even sleep for 3 days, forgetting my daughter's birthday completely, and falling on the ice numerous times, but not really feeling anything until he sobered up, briefly, Christmas morning (by briefly, I mean he woke up in horrible pain, and by 10am was trashed again), so he didn't show up for Christmas either. And all of our friends that come over last year for Christmas had their own plans this year, so we didn't have any visitors. In a way though, it was nice, not having to get dressed and look nice for anyone, not having to worry about wrapping paper strewn all over, not having to make a meal because we said we would by any particular time, just whenever we got hungry. The boys loved their beds, Princess loved her litter box, and all was right with the world. I was incredibly spoiled this year by John - he is really good at the Christmas thing, I however, suck at it mightily. At least I'm consistent I suppose.

New Year's was kinda crappy. We don't normally do anything anyway, but John was in a lot of pain and was incredibly cranky, so he was in bed by 9, and I stayed up and read until 3. That was pretty much the extent of the day. Exciting, no?

For the past few weeks, everyone around me has been in pain or sick, so that's been fun. John fell down the stairs and dislocated his ankle. My dad ended up in the ER New Year's Eve on a morphine drip because of his back pain. I got some funky headache/laryngitis thing that made me miss 3 days of work, and I NEVER take time off for being sick. So that was fun.

And now, nothing much new happening, the kids are back in school, everyone's pretty much healthy and mostly pain free, and Murphy continues to slap me in the face every chance I get. My car broke down in Anchorage yesterday, not once, but twice. The first time, I was halfway in a parking lot, halfway in a small side street, and sat there for 3 hours before anyone could come rescue me and get my car running again. The second time, I was at a light in the middle of town, just barely outside of rush hour traffic, and it took another 20 minutes to get moving again. I had been on my way to make a delivery for work, and by the time the car was running again, the business I was delivering to had closed, so I figured I would do it today. Turns out, it had to be there yesterday to make it on an emergency flight to the Bush last night. So now I'm in trouble for not getting it there. And the best news? I didn't have to deliver it at all. The company had sent a courier to us to drop off some stuff and pick that up, but they didn't do it until after I had left to go deliver. And someone was supposed to have called me to see what the delivery status was. If they had, I would have been able to have the courier come to my broken down car and pick it up. But no one called, so here I am today wondering how deep of trouble I'm going to be in. Sigh.

In case you were wondering, the reason I am linked in someone else's blog today is because of a post about depression. I have been struggling for the last two years, mostly since my son died, to deal with this overwhelming case of blah that just never really seems to go away. Don't get me wrong, I have good days. But most days, I'm just exhausted all the time, and I really don't care about much of anything. And I'm angry, so freaking angry all the time. And for the longest time, I have thought, well, maybe it's just the grieving process, and then I had a baby, and I thought, well, I've never had PPD before, but maybe I do this time, and then I thought, maybe I'm just sick or something. But I think I need to face that this just isn't going to go away. And to be completely honest, this isn't the first time. Granted, it's worse now than ever before, but when I was younger, I had a lot of issues like this, times when I could barely get out of bed every day, times when I was so angry at everyone and everything that I did really incredibly stupid stuff, just to feel SOMETHING. But I always pictured depression as something different. Literally being unable to get out of bed, crying all the time, not being able to eat, or even hold a conversation. I'm not like that. I get out of bed, just really reluctantly. I rarely cry, and never for no reason at all. I function, I just feel nothing most of the time. So when I read Kim' description of depression, especially her "death by a thousand paper cuts," I thought, well, hmm, maybe there is something to this depression thingy after all. So now I am researching medication. And I'm just waiting for the day I have insurance again so I can go to the doctor. Which should be in about 2 more months, so we'll see what happens between now and then. I think I'm going to try to find an alternative before then though, I just feel like, if this is what's really wrong with me, I want to fix it now, I don't want to wait. So I'll update as soon as I'm able.

And now, back to work I go.

4 comments:

Jeni T said...

Just wanted you to know I caught up on your archives & look forward to future posts. How is everything going w/ your daughter? Have you seen any improvement?

Charly said...

Thank you Jeni!!!!! Ypu are my very first commentor ever, and I just want to say, wow, thanks so much!!! It's funny, I started this with no thought it my head about people actually reading it, but when you find out someone really IS... well... WOW. OK, moving on... My daughter is, well, my daughter. No change really. No big lies lately, just normal day to day stuff. So, I'm still at a loss, but hoping for the best.

Christie said...

Hey... I actually was reffered to that same post you read on the other blog because I had written about depression too.
I took meds for a while and some of it did good. Like I was actually able to sleep the whole night! My advice would be that if one med isn't right for you (mine made me a drone after a while and killed my sex drive) try something else. That was my only problem with meds. Good luck! I'm going to go through the rest of your blog now :)

Charly said...

Thanks Christie, and welcome!!!