Thursday, January 24, 2008

Insurance? Who needs insurance?

I certainly don't. I would so much rather plunk down anywhere from $200-$350 to go to a doctor, have me tell them what's wrong with me, and have them hand me a piece of paper that I then give to someone else, and hand over another $100 or so for the privilege of getting my happy pills, that may or may not work but I'll have to give it a go for at least 3 weeks before I can go back and pay ANOTHER $200 and do it all over again. Oh yes, the joy that inspires in me. And I am so frustrated about all the different medication options. All I want is a simple, easy to understand web site that shows all of my choices, and all of their side effects, in a nice, easily comparable form. Is that so fucking difficult? Yes I know I should be letting my doctor decide which medicine is best based on my history and symptoms and blah blah. And maybe it's too much to ask that the medicine with the particular side effects I want to avoid would also coincide with the particular symptoms I have, but geez, I just really don't want to be stuck taking a medicine that causes more problems than it fixes. Most of the meds I have looked at list sleepiness/drowsiness and weight gain as the side effects. Well, I hate to say it, but if it's going to make me fatter and lazier than I already am, I'm better off just saving my money and sleeping without pharmaceutical aid. Yes, I'm irritable (OK, or in the words of my darling husband, "a raving fucking lunatic"), and I don't want to do anything, but frankly, having to spend that much money to feel as crappy as I already do is going to make me just as cranky, and if I'm broke, if won't matter if I want to do anything - I won't be able to afford it. Grrrr.

And to top it all off, John wants another baby. I do too, I just really wonder if this is the right time for it. Then again, this whole depression thing is something I've been dealing with for years, and it didn't really get any worse with the pregnancy and birth of my youngest, when I was the deepest in the pit of despair, so maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing. And it would solve my insurance problem. The minute the line turns blue, I get free health care from the native hospital. Gotta love being married to an Indian. But if I go that route, then I really have depression issues, because I really really abhor the idea of taking a daily medication, of any kind, while pregnant. Maybe it's a completely irrational fear, but I was taking various types of medication (pain pills at one point, and allergy pills at another) during the year that I suffered through 3 miscarriages all in a row. That, and no one really knows what causes leukemia, and I just don't think I could live through having to bury another child, especially if it could in any way be linked back to a drug that I took while I as pregnant because I wanted to be a little less grumpy.

Why is it that there is never such a thing as an easy decision in life?

No comments: