Friday, July 18, 2008

My blog style - no entries for a month, then 50 in a day

I suppose I could just make one great big entry, as that would be the sensible thing to do, but when have I ever done anything sensible? What is incredible to me though, is my motivation for this blog. The whole point was to use this as a form of therapy. I tend to internalize all my problems, feelings, whatever, until I can't take it anymore and I explode, all over all the people who don't deserve it. And so I thought, hey, here's a good idea. I can let everything out every day in a non confrontational, relatively nonjudgmental way, and then my kids never need to see me in all out pea-soup spewing, head turning demon possession mode. Not to mention I like writing, it makes it easier for me to say what actually needs to b said. I have discovered that when I get upset, I develop some crazy form of Alzheimer's, where I forget common words and all I can hear is my brain screaming "I hate you!" at anyone who comes within 5 feet of me. Just in case you're wondering, THAT is why I have never let my children have a birthday party. I am still scarred by the few attempts my mother made at letting me have a normal life - the sleepovers with new friends that started out with my mom being the coolest mom ever and ended with her screaming at me "Don't ever ask me for anything again you ungrateful little bitch!" while locking herself in her room for days on end. Not exactly the highlight of the evening. And then explaining to my friend's parents why my mom wasn't available to talk to, and where their precious child had learned such lovely language... well... you get the idea. And so, when my daughter was 2 or 3, ad I recognized this side of my mother in me that seems to get worse with every passing year, I put a stop to all functions that expose me to other people's children. Hey, my kids may be scarred for life because their mom's nuts, but at least they won't have the added embarrassment of it happening in front of their friends.

Hmm... where was I again? Oh yeah, so anyway the whole point was for me to talk about everything, every day, so I don't have these little meltdowns. But umm.... as you can see, that doesn't happen. Partly because I have discovered that I need time to process events. Otherwise all I ever talk about it my initial knee-jerk anger response. Sometimes I feel like I should just be carrying around a sign that says "VERY angry person, stay out of my way!" And partly because I am lazy. I know, I know... I told you all from the beginning I was lazy, but really, I don't think any of you believed me. And this latest laziness? Well, it's all your fault. Every day when I flip through my daily blog list, no one else has written anything either. There's weeks between posts sometimes. So there.

So give me a little time, and I will tell all. It may take a while, but really, I got all day, and nothing much better to do.

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