Monday, June 16, 2008

The End of the World

Hmm, a little dramatic much? Perhaps. But nonetheless, that what it feels like. It's been an interesting month folks, one like I've never known.

For starters... Remember that last weepy post? You know, the one where I'm all crying about how I have no idea who I am and if I can just find my family, all will be right with the world? Well, guess what? I found my family. No shit. Don't worry, it caught me a little off guard too. Here I have been looking off an on for the past 10 years, admittedly more off than on, and I sign up with a search group, and here's my family, found for me in about a week and a half. Right before Mother's Day, to be exact. Talk about irony. So, how is it, you ask?

Well, here's the thing. I like to pretend that I am a happy, well-adjusted, non-judgemental type person. I mean really, nobody on this earth is perfect, and I am a shining example of the opposite of perfect myself. Maybe it's just because I have always had this romanticized notion of my "real family" coming in to save me from the insanity of my adoptive family, that finding out the truth is a little, well, disappointing. My mother is a meth addict. Actually, the way she was found was through her most recent possession arrest. That was last year, and she has done the rehab thing and is clean for now. Apparently, she goes for long stretches at a time, being clean, holding a job, being a parent, etc., until the stress overwhelms her and she turns back to the drugs. OK, I'm not talking to her here, or to my friends and family that are all hanging on my every word, waiting for me to show some sign that I'm NOT thrilled with this whole deal. I can be honest with you people, right? Good. Boo freaking hoo. You know what? We all have stress. I understand she had a lot to deal with at a young age (more about that some other day), and still carries around a lot on her shoulders. I don't mean to make light of that. I really don't. But I have never once in my life used drugs as a crutch to forget about the crap in my life. There are so many times I wanted to. Do you know I have never once in my life tried an illegal substance? That I didn't even start taking TYLENOL until I was over 21? I always said it was because I was raised by an addict and was scared that something like that would happen to me. And that's true. But now I wonder if perhaps I didn't know somehow that there was a hereditary weakness in there as well. Because guess what? I have a sister in jail for stealing cars while high as a kite. Oh, and a brother who's been in and out of jail 3 or 4 times on meth charges. Gosh, let me tell you, I am just so freaking proud of my family right now.

It's funny. I started this whole blog thingy because I was depressed and feeling sorry for myself. Why? Because amongst my so called friends, I felt like trailer trash. Hmm, I'm a felon (for something not entirely my fault, but whatever), I'm married to a felon (for an idiotic act when he was 18), and I have spend an alarming amount of time in trailers that were literally falling down around me. I'm always broke, even though I make good money. Nothing I own (OK, very little) is new - I buy everything at thrift stores and off Craigslist. I don't own a home, and my credit is in the toilet. So yeah, not exactly the friend you're proud to show off to your family, right? But at least my parents are semi-respectable. Yeah, my dad's a drunk, but by god he can hold a job. And yeah, my mom's crazy, but when she's medicated, she's great. Not to mention she's a financial genius. So to find my "real" family, and have them be what they are, well, right now, I'm just a little sad about the whole thing I guess. I don't love them any less. I had just hoped for less... I don't know... drama I guess. I just wanted one thing in my life to be normal, or as close to it as I can ever hope to achieve, and it's just not happening. And it makes me sad, ad it makes me angry. But you know what? I'll get over it. I always do. Just not today.

Speaking of today, how was your Father's Day? Mine was great. I spent the morning cooking my husband and my dad a huge lunch (if I want to see my dad while he's sober, it has to be before noon). My poor husband is working nights right now, and he only gt a short nap before we had to wake him up for lunch, so he was grumpy. The whole time, I just felt really disconnected from him. Like he would have rather been anywhere else. Which, hey, with my family and his combined around, I can see that. Not to mention, this is his first Father's Day since his dad died. So he's a little bummed. He left for work tonight without telling me goodbye. Again, I figure he's having a bad day. And I don't blame him for that. Then I find out that he had logged into my email earlier to forward something my dad's girlfriend had sent me on to his mother. Umm, what?

OK, prepare for me to be a giant hypocrite. Ready? Good. I am a private person. I won't talk on the phone if there are other people around me. I can't stand having people read over my shoulder. Someone reading my emails gives me the absolute creeps, even if it is my husband. It's one thing for someone to ASK first. It's even better if they just ask me to log in myself and forward the message on. It's royally pisses me off to have someone just take it upon themselves to log in and send away. HOWEVER, I freely admit to reading my husband's email when he's not home. I have my reasons, none of them very good, but they do exist. Although, to be fair to me, I haven't done it in over a year. Until he started acting all distant and moody, I probably wouldn't have, but that coupled with the email intrusion on his part, well, I kinda lost my head.

Ever heard the expression curiosity killed the cat? I understand exactly what that cat feels like right now. I feel like someone just stabbed me right in the chest, or possibly back, I don't know, but my chest literally hurts, and I feel so sick to my stomach it's all I can do not to throw up right now. Maybe it's blowing things out of proportion, but " please don't call after 5 , that's when she gets off work usually . course that isn't to say i don't go places without her and might be able to call if you wanted sometimes . " kinda sounds like perhaps there might be something going on behind my back. Best news? That was dated April 29th. I found another message from a week or so ago from the girl he wrote that too. Nothing overtly incriminating, but oddly enough, even though I could see that it was a reply to something he sent, there was no record of any other emails between them, including the one that he sent her to get that reply. So, my dear sweet computer innocent husband has started to learn how to cover his email tracks. Not to mention all those motorcycle rides he's gone out alone on. And all the calls he makes when I'm not home. And why his cell phone went over his minutes for the first time ever last month.

And so, I'll be doing one of two things over the next couple of weeks. I'll either be blogging like crazy because if I don't I'll scream, or I'll shut down completely and deal with everything internally, like I am trying to teach myself not to do but have been doing anyway (hence the several long absences).

Someone out there, please send some happy thoughts my way? I'm seriously tired with dealing with the shit pile all the time, for once, I'd like to see the flowers at the top.

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